The Passive Aggressive Teenager

     To be passive aggressive is a very powerful tool.   Someone who is passive aggressive tries to win in issues by not doing anything.  This might include not doing homework, chores, not participating in discussions or other things that may be important to you but seem to not be important to the other person.  Ultimately, if the activity is something you really wish the other would do, it can drive you crazy trying to win in the battle to get the person to participate.   For many teenagers, this is a very powerful strategy to drive teachers and parents into a frenzy.   Lets focus on homework.  Why do teenagers choose not to do their homework?
     Most parents will say, "My child is smart but s/he is just lazy."   Rarely is being lazy the true reason why a child does not do their work.  Let's list more likely reasons this may occur:

1.  A child may not want to admit that s/he really does not understand the work.
2.  A reading comprehension issue may be involved that keeps the student from understanding the the work.
3.  The student may possibly have a learning disability such as ADHD and has a hard time staying focused to complete the assignment. It then becomes easier to give up instead of recognizing what the real issue is.
4.  The child may be mad at either their parents, the teacher or someone else involved in the class.  This is a  way to punish the person s/he is mad at.
5. The child does not feel good about himself and therefore chooses to no longer participate in his/her  education or other school activities.

     The first key to ending a passive aggressive teenager is to narrow down the reason the child chooses to not do their work.  Depending on which of the above reasons or others are causing the child to stop working will then lead us to find out methods to end the passive aggressive behavior.   In my next blog, I will discuss possible remedies to this problem.

More on Successful Parenting and Divorce

My previous comments could be true for a couple that is married or divorced. Now I will specifically speak of children of divorced parents. By divorced, I specifically mean parents living in different households and sharing custody of the children.

No matter how you may feel about your ex – spouse, you share the most valuable possession: your children. As parents, to properly raise the children the differences you and your spouse feel must be put aside. The following are points to consider in order for shared parenting and shared custody to occur smoothly.

1. Children still need to see you united – even if it is just a front.
When both of you can talk without an audience (your children) is the time to disagree and to come to reach an agreement.
2. Share common household rules and schedules:
a. What time the children come home
b. What time they study, do chores and even eat
c. Common bedtimes
3. Support each other in rules and consequences. Of course it is always best to revolve around your own schedule if grounding is involved. But for things like limited phone usage, friends, and other punishments that may fall into the other household, it is important both parents respect the other’s decision.
4. Don’t be outrageous with gifts and rewards. This is not some kind of competition. Both of you want what is best for your children. Discuss what is reasonable so both can support the reward.
5. Always remember: If your child does not see a unified front, your child will divide and conquer.

Ultimately, you will both take pride in your child’s successes. What you raise now and how well you work together seeds your future and your child’s choices for the future.

Divorce: Who Are Your Hostages?

     "I don't know, however, when my mother and father began their long, dispiriting war against each other.  Most of their skirmishes were like games of ringolevio, with the souls of their children serving as the ruined captured flags in their campaigns of attrition. Neither considered the potential damage when struggling over something as fragile and unformed as a child's life."  (Pat Conroy's Prince of Tides)
     Too often parents choose to not see what is best for a child in their upbringing.  If the parents do not agree, one may choose to be more lenient and become the child's "friend" to balance and compete with the strictness of the other spouse.   Ultimately, the child cannot be a pawn in the struggle to do proper parenting.  Consistent rules with both mom and dad need to be set and agreed on with proper rewards and punishments for the child's behavior and choices.   If the parents disagree, it is critical to show unity in front of the child.   The parents can discuss and "hash out" later what each feels to come up with a better plan next time.  If a child does not see unity among the parents, divorced or not, the child will "divide and conquer".  The child will play one against the other to obtain what s/he wants.  Likewise, unity needs to be demonstrated in supporting the teacher.  If the parent does disagree with a teacher's decision, the parent can meet separately with the teacher to understand better the situation.  If the child sees consistent and practical "walls" in each adult's answer, the child will stop pushing and realize the choices made are to make the child better.   Divorced or not, children need to feel secure and confident in the decisions parents make.  Don't hold your child hostage in your anger toward your spouse or ex-spouse.

Food Does Count!

     I watch students each day show up to classes with energy/power drinks in hand, soda cans or their favorite Starbucks coffee. After waking up during the first class and "hyper" the second class, it is time to load up with pizza, tacos, fries or other starchy non healthy meal, so the student is ready to be half functioning through the afternoon classes.   FOOD DOES MATTER!  If the student is loading up on fast energy drinks in the morning and fatty foods for lunch, the ability for the student to perform at their best is impossible. The mind needs to be fine tuned.  Eating properly is part of that training to be ready and prepared to learn.
   Often parents are out of the house or rushing themselves and don't have time to make breakfast.  There are healthy foods that a child can have ready to go to solve this problem.  Fruits and some type of healthy cereal and milk are a great start.  Nutrition bars are easy to grab.  Many fruits can be easily packed, from bananas and apples, to various berries and citric fruits.
     Between classes, a student can eat a healthy snack.  This might include cheese and crackers to a banana.  There is nothing wrong with packing a lunch for your child.  It can be made the night before and your child can help do the preparations.  The goal is to control what your child eats.  Keeping a balance between proteins, sugars and carbohydrates is ideal for "good learning".
     When a child arrives home, whether it is right after school or after various school activities, have choices of foods at home that they can enjoy but are still healthy. Encourage your child to eat something small and nutritious before doing homework.  Finally, try as a family to eat dinner together.  This is a perfect time to have dinner conversations.   Include in the dinner well rounded combinations of foods.  Vegetables can be in soups, salads, stews, or by themselves depending on your family's taste buds.  It is always smart to include a starch, such as potato, rice, or a light pasta.  If your family are meat eaters, the choices are endless.  If not, great protein supplements can include:  beans  and tofu dishes. (My family loves my bean and lentil soups).  These habits can be started early so that they last a lifetime.   Happy cooking and even better eating!

Sports and Education

    So, how do you know if your child's athletics and sports are good enough for college?  This is a great question.  It is important for parents to not only understand the A - G requirements for four year colleges, but if your child is an athlete, the student and parent should also understand the NCAA requirements.  Though the two requirements are similar, they are not exact.  Each require a certain amount of rigor in different categories with NCAA requiring an extra year in some academic areas. 
    What this means is the following:
     In order to attend a four a year institution, for instance, four years of English is required.  NCAA may require, however, in one of the main core areas an extra year of English.  Four year colleges require at least 3 years of Mathematics, up through Algebra 2.  To qualify for NCAA rules, the student may meet the extra core requirement by taking four year of math.
     To be sure your child is picking an academic schedule wisely, enroll on two websites.  They are:

     http://www.ncaaclearinghouse/
     http://www.coursecoursegpa.com/

     Both sites can be very informative of requirements and where your child is to be successful. Encourage your child to talk to his/her coaches and academic counselor.   As a team, these experts will help your child in getting to where s/he wants to go.

Academics vs Sports- Does Something Have to Give?

     From a young age we groom our children to play sports, a musical instrument, dance, cheer or some other activity to make them well rounded and maybe even famous one day.  We commit time and money to soccer camps, CYO Basketball, Club Sports, Cheerleading Camp, and music lessons.  So...why don't we do this early in academics?  We assume the schools will prep our children to be the best they can be.  For some students, that is all they need.  For others, individual attention to study habits, organization skills, and indepth practice is critical if you truly want your child to be competitive.  Would you cut short giving your child the competitive edge in the other activities?  Then why would you think otherwise when it comes to your child developing the mind?
     Start early having an organized time to study.  This includes reading and math practice beyond the daily homework that is assigned.  Teach your child early what it feels like to be successful at school.  Other points to consider:
1.  Take your child early to libraries, museums and zoos.
2.  Talk to your child about what they see and make it a fun conversation.  Listen to what they have to say.
3.  Include plays, musicals and other activities early in their upbringing.
4.  Travel when possible.  My first exposure to Europe when I was twelve years old changed my view of the world forever. Help your child understand other cultures and viewpoints to make them well rounded in their opinions.
     My next blog will look at the other perspective.  How to tie in sports and other activities to this complete package.

What? Me Study?

     There is an art to studying.  Often we believe our students when they say:

“I am done with my homework.”  “I am done studying.”

We want to believe our children.  Then of course….the grades arrive.  I hear weekly from parents, “My child is not good at tests.”  What the parents should be saying is that my child is not good at studying, especially for tests.

     As students move into middle school and high school, doing homework is only a fraction of what it takes to be successful.  Parents need to be partners in the learning process.  Here are some helpful suggestions to be part of this process.

1. Ask to see the homework and what was assigned.
2. Expect to see thorough explanations with full sentences.
3. Ask your child to explain to you what the answer means in his/her own words.
4. If the child is preparing for a test, have the child teach you the subject.  You don’t have to be an expert or know what the subject is about.  Just be willing to learn and ask questions.  A person will remember 10% of what they hear.  But s/he will recall 90% of what s/he teaches someone else.
5. Encourage 3 by 5 cards for terms, major events, concepts…
6. Use post its to take notes within the book while reading.  Revisit the notes and translate on 3 by 5 card is necessary.
7. If a teacher lectures, when the student comes home, have them type up the notes.  The process of doing this helps the student revisit the lesson.
8. Encourage your child to keep a good dictionary near to look up difficult words and terms.  My favorite book is my Synonym book.

     The process can be part of a daily routine.  Eventually your child will be rewarded with those great grades that colleges want to see.